I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
