if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
