so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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