I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
