My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
