whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Your mouth is God's brothel.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
