i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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