you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
