i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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