I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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