I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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