why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
