perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
