omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
