I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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