I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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