So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
