went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
