I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
