What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
