Rock
Scissors
Fuck
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
