hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
