your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
