It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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