i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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