I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
