the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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