I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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