I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
