it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
