And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
