If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
