Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
