no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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