I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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