you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The air was thick with penises
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
