i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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