So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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