got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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