dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
