My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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