yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
