I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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