i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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