If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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