I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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