I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
