I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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