remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
