i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
