As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wish there were birth control emojis
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
